Confusing Distractions

 

One of my difficulties is the result of "galloping peripheral neuropathy," which is disabling my hands, and the other effects of diabetes and hypertension. Lately, I often have a hard time concentrating, or staying in focus, on subject. Maybe I finished GSQ just in time, but I hope that isn't the end of it. I feel I have more "in me," but it is becoming a difficult logistical problem to get it out.

It has become a regular "thing" to be unable to sleep in my bed once or twice a week. Last night was one of those in which I sit up in the big chair and nod off for an hour or so at a time. In between bursts of sleep, I wake up for a while, have crazy half-waking dreams or go to the bathroom. Then, during the day, I pay for sleepless nights by dozing off an hour or so at a time. All of this makes it very difficult to write, as I often feel "wooly headed." It also makes it difficult to take my medicines on time, or accomplish much of anything like shopping, cleaning, etc. I have become an unwilling master of postponement and making do.

In last night's dizziness, I felt I was a character in something like Martin Scorsese's Last Temptation of Christ. I was tempted to write a Memoir or Autobiography. I remembered the advice of several acquaintances on this subject, all the while recalling my rejection of any such notion. Nonetheless, I was tempted to write the book just "to show them," or prove that no one would buy it. I thought a good title would be "Mr. Bum: Walter the Dummy, as told to Himself." In it, I would tell the story of endless frustration and failure; a longer version of Jackie Gleason's Ralph Cramden. I laid out a good portion of the book - several chapters - in my vaporous thoughts before dawn. I still have all that in my head, because I know the tale very well. I have always had a pretty good memory. But, in the end, I quelled that self-pitiful revolt of the night, and eventually got 2 hours' sleep. I was able to manage my stocks for the day, and hand in some materials at The Printer (the nearby print shop doing the GSQ cover art).

Am I going to spend my money to print a book that won't sell? No, I am not that crazy or sorry for myself; at least, not yet. So, the temptation - prove they're wrong - won't work. I don't need to justify myself, my reasons for having the attitudes and beliefs I do. Why is it I believe I largely accept others as they are, but they have some implicit criticsm of me? I could be paranoid, but there is some "real" evidence in support of my view. (But, is anything "real?")

The news nags at me as well. There's terrible things happening in Iraq and elsewhere. There is gross evil and injustice in many places, all at once. The society of which I am unwillingly part knowingly commits horrible crimes everyday in my name, in the name of all citizens. But in the last year or so I ran out of adrenalin; I cannot respond. I know what they're doing is wrong. I can think and speak against it, but I simply don't have the energy or the money or any other wherewithal to do much else about it.

I always felt it was up to me to pick up the banner, risk everything and lead the charge. After all, who would follow a leader that says do as I say, not as I do? But, now, there I am, saying things I cannot do. Somehow, I don't think it is enough that I would be willing if I could. This, my era of reduced capacity, has led to me to feel the necessity of concentrating my energies and thoughts on those things which are most important. What are they?

First, it is to get across the founding idea, that humans are one species among many on this Earth. It is to recognize ourselves for what we are, and what we are not.

Second, it is to endorse the proper treatment of everyone as urged in Immanuel Kant's maxim, 'treat each person as an end in himself.'

Third, it is to advocate and work for what follows from those principles: the Welfare State, an end to war, democracy and environmental sanity.

I have to keep those things in front of me and ignore everything else. What is most important now is to accomplish my remaining purposes. I cannot pick up banners and lead charges. What I have to learn to do is encourage others to take up the struggle, but not feel guilty or compelled if no one does so, or if they "reinvent the wheel."