Busy Neglect

I've had a lot of doctor's appointments. Every one of them seems to eat up almost a whole day. Despite eating up my time, most of my doctors complain I take up too much of their time. I almost always end up being told I have this or that condition - No, I am not a hypochondriac - but the condition has no well defined cause and no regular treatment; like peripheral neuropathy (PN), for example. I have been told PN is the result of poor control of my diabetes, but it could result from other things (that have not been investigated). Nothing can be done to restore lost nerves and nervous function. (Very little clinical research is being done on this subject.) Nothing can be done about the fact that the usual pain killers and other drugs used to mask the condition don't work for me. So, I should do something about controlling my blood sugar: off to the diabetes doctor.

I have been advised that my diabetes would be in better control if I exercised, lost weight, changed my diet and took more zombie pills. ("Zombie pills" are any pills that turn me into a zombie, like Meclizine. Many doctors find it difficult to understand why I resist using such drugs: Big Nurse, deja vue.)  Although I removed all the bread, rice, potatoes and other starchy ("fast" sugar) foods from my diet many years ago, cut down the fruit to about 1 banana per day (for potassium), don't eat anything made with sugar, don't drink alcohol, try to avoid fatty foods, eat more vegetables (fiber), cut the caffeine and red meat, never go to fast food joints, etc. and c. - despite all that - some doctors suspected I ate nothing but fast foods. Losing weight is simple: just don't eat anything at all. Of course, starvation doesn't reduce my blood sugar, because of the way diabetes works. It doesn't reduce the fat, either, because of the way diabetes works. Starvation does reduce muscle tissue. So, don't starve, exercise. That's wonderful advice, and I used to do as much as possible until I couldn't. I used to walk a lot, and even run, and I enjoyed that. However, there was a problem: as my nerves degenerated, my ability to run disappeared, then my ability to walk beyond a slow creep ceased. It is very difficult to exercise when you can't.

Now, in our "blame the victim" society, clearly I have failed to play my role as patient. I have not followed doctor's orders. Had I exercised and lost weight as prescribed, I would not have needed diabetic or hypertensive medications. Had I stopped pigging out on all that sugary and fatty stuff, my blood sugar would surely have become normal. Had I followed doctor's orders, I would not have developed peripheral neuropathy, or the nerve degeneration would have stopped. So, my problems are all my fault. I deserve to be punished, as evidenced in my present condition. The well known fact that diabetes, despite extensive and expensive research, has no known cure, is always progressive and always ends in death is irrelevant. The capitalist individualism component of American culture is strongly programmed into almost everyone, so these attitudes and conclusions are automatic, without thought. It's not the doctor's fault that they are culturally programmed to think whatever they do.

I hope readers will understand my cynicism. It's pretty clear to me I am stuck with what I am stuck with. It's pretty clear to me most of the medications don't work for me. I can only do what I can do. I think I'm headed for the end. I visited a very rare specialist yesterday who was the first to suggest exactly this last surmise. Until now, no one else has been willing to look at my circumstances coolly and dispassionately, and talk about it. Oddly enough, that MD is a hard core political conservative, but also a scientist. I had a very interesting conversation with him. I think it is the scientific outlook that makes all the difference. When we do things qua scientist, the crazy foibles of culture fall away. I was grateful for the interview and examination, even if there is little that can be done. It is very refreshing to deal with reality.

Meanwhile, I am also dealing with the GSQ publisher's problems in formatting it for their printers. So, that project is on hold while I redo the formatting and do a final, final, final, final, final proof reading. I hope this damn book gets printed before I am dead. Any idealism I had about authoring and publishing is long gone. It's just another grubby business.

Meanwhile, a friend is being treated for lung cancer. I would like to help her out, but it seems anything I do or say is just aggravating. I guess I should stay out of the way, and just emote for the better.

I need to stop writing this, as I cannot handle the book and the web at the same time. The one certainty I have discovered in the last 2-3 years is that I can no longer do all the things I once did. I used to have several projects going, and juggle all sort of things. I also found out that I am unable to think of anything to write, or even just edit my book, after taking Meclizine (a zombie pill). Maybe the Bandit will put everyone on that stuff: it quells thinking, hence dissent.

I envy friends and acquaintances about my age (or older) who are far more spry, energetic and capable. I wish them good luck.